Voluntary solitude

I did not wake up to a pleasant surprise today. After the break-up I was debating on deleting my ex-boyfriend off Facebook. It sounds petty and maybe it’s not even a discussion topic but right now I don’t know what to do. I already turned him off on Facebook chat and removed the notifications from him; what I forgot to do was to hide him from my news feed… So there it was this morning “[Insert ex-boyfriend’s name here] is feeling happy in Biarritz, France. I don’t know why but seeing his name and Biarritz sent me in a state of shock. The boy that was too busy to see me but manages to go to Biarritz for the weekend – the sacred place where we met. I nearly puked.

He is having probably the time of his life and I am at home with my parents doing nothing. It’s 4.43pm and I have managed to pass 2 levels on candy crush, 1 level on farm heroes saga, I applied to 2 jobs that I will probably not hear from and I watched 2 movies (Anchor Man 2 and Kick-ass 2). I haven’t seen anyone that isn’t my immediate family for quite a long time except for the visits to the Job centre or  recruitment agencies. The thing is, when I moved to Paris, my parents moved to a different city and all my friends live about an hour and half drive away. I know no one here and I’m not even sure I want to meet new people. I have one school friend that lives close by who I met up with once but I have been reluctant to contact her again – I hate catching up nowadays because there is nothing to catch up on. All I do is hang around at home feeling sorry for myself and talking to recruitment consultants. I don’t know if its a form of shame or jealousy that I don’t really want to have any social contact with any of my friends in the UK. I mean I almost envy her – she’s been in a steady relationship since school with the same guy and she was clever enough to do a vocational degree – Business studies so now she has a cushy job as a brand marketing  manager. I remember when she got the job I was still finishing my degree in Paris – it was literally her first interview and that was it, she got the job. And now she lives with the same guy that she has been with for the last 6 years – and they go on 4 holidays a year and have a nice house in Stamford. Since school, I, on the other hand, have had 5 different relationships; 5 failed relationships in 6 years and a string of other hook ups. I graduated with a language degree – a non-specific literary subject that is apparently worth nothing and I am yet to find my first job. Why didn’t anyone tell me that mid-twenties would be so hard? Why didn’t anyone tell me when I was 18 to be serious in school and then go into medicine or law. And why didn’t anyone tell me when I was 21 that I should be doing internships and making myself look as “employable” as possible. Do some people get it easier than others or are they just more adept to living?


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